By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
