I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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