He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
