I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
