If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
