The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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