Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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