when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
