Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
