there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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