Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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