she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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