I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
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lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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