Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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