just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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