before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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