i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer