someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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