good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up