My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.