im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
