I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
