Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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