I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
