Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize