like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
