I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
