I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
