My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
