I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
