Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
