Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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