Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
