dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
