On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
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we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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