don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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