I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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