He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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