I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
