i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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