it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
