The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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