how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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