I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
