john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
