I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
