I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
