stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
