Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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