Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
