whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
