i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
