My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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