I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
