I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
