You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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