Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
