I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
